someday when i make my mind up
by Lady Shaye
Summary: Sometimes she thinks she's going mad. / A study of Elena Gilbert, and an impossible choice. Stelena, Delena, and mentions of past Daroline. Possible continuation.


Disclaimer: Darlings, I'd have to stake Julie Plec first. And with the way she's running a few things, I might actually consider it eventually.

Summary: Sometimes she thinks she's going mad. / A study of Elena Gilbert, and an impossible choice.

A/N: Character study. Not that great. Written very quickly. My very first attempt at getting into the mess that must be Elena's mind. Forgive me if it sucks. Also, my brain could possibly be fried. So forgive any mistakes. However, I slept today. A lot. So I think that just maybe this is okay? I'm not sure. I'm still a little blurred my sleep. And I'm going back to sleep as soon as this is posted. God knows I will need it for the long days ahead.

* * *

_someday when I make my mind up – Charlene Kaye, "Until the Morning"_

* * *

Elena has always been partial to mysteries. She left _Twiligh_t to Caroline and _Harry Potter_ to Bonnie—give her Agatha Christie or Arthur Conan Doyle any day. The romances and magic have always held little concern for her. Before her parents' deaths, neither meant very much.

(She was reading_ The Hound of the Baskervilles_ when the car crash happened.)

But that's all her life has become. Magic and romance, and an impossible choice. How can you be forced to choose between the two loves of your life? Is it obligation or actual true love that ties her to Stefan? Is it simple chemistry or a deeper connection that draws her to Damon?

Bonnie encourages her to stay with Stefan because Damon is dangerous. "Damon will destroy you," is Bonnie's mystic, enigmatic advice. (Bonnie never speaks plainly anymore.) And perhaps Bonnie is right—when does Damon ever leave anything intact in his wake? He casts a long, powerful, dark shadow. He was her first villain, the first person to ever haunt her nightmares even as his eyes gazed into hers and his lips whispered in her ear. He was her first definition of _wrong_, or _evil_, or even _monstrous_.

He made for very good writing material, too. Stories of crows and graveyards and breathtaking blue eyes, some of her best mystery clips yet. Though she has no idea how the story ends—_will she ever_?

Caroline, too, wants her to choose Stefan. "I know from experience how frightening Damon can be," she says. "He might hurt you. And I don't want you to be hurt, Elena. I don't want you to end up alone, and scared that he'll always be seven steps ahead of you. It's a goddamn chess game with him, and I never learned to play properly. I doubt you would either."

Elena has no idea if Caroline's advice even applies. No offense to her best friend, but Damon didn't give a damn about Caroline from the start, and they've only become halfway-friends now. Isn't that different from how Damon treats her? Doesn't Damon care about her? (Doesn't it say something that Caroline's words make her doubt that?)

Unsurprisingly, Ric is on Damon's side. "He's broken," is all he says. "You make him…better."

The elder Salvatore brother is cryptic and defensive and strangely vulnerable at times. He's cried in front of her, bitten her, compelled her, loved her silently, threatened her and those she loved, and made her shiver with lust.

But Stefan, _her_ Stefan. The brother that loved her from the start—not because she was Katherine's lookalike, but because he saw everything in her that Katherine never was or could be. The brother that protected her, loved her unconditionally, defended her to others, saved her repeatedly, kissed her sweetly, broke up with her for her own safety, and let her have all this time to make her choice.

How on earth can you _choose_ between two such perfectly imperfect supernatural men?

(Sometimes she thinks she's going mad.)

* * *

A/N: I forgot the angsty ending. But I'm a little too lazy to make it happy for all you fluff-lovers, sorry. Hope you liked it, I might add onto it later with another chapter if the muse strikes me. I've done at least three or four character studies of Caroline, I thought I might try my hand at a short Elena-centric fic. Mostly because I'm usually a bit mean to her in my other stuff.

Of course, I was probably rather mean to her in this one too, because I did imply that she's going crazy, didn't I.

Oh, well. Review, loves?


End file.
